27 September 2010
The ugly duckling...
Mr Mac has been trying to get a new job for over a year and during that time filled out countless applications. A few weeks ago he got the job offer of his dreams and he arranged to take me out on a "date" to say thanks for helping with the forms, suit, interview techniques etc. so we booked the grandparents to keep DD1 and DD2 overnight on Saturday whilst I would be dined and wined. We booked a fabolous italian resturaunt which we vowed to go back to and I got my frock 3 weeks ago with acessories for the occassions. Throughout the week I had been becoming even more concious of my hair and stares but battled with the mirror to achieve a simple freestyle with headband, put on my face, earrings, necklace and frock. With Mr Mac on my arm, I felt on top of the world! So...
Off we go to drop off the kids and my mother turns to me and says "I don't like your hair, it looks horrible, it makes you look ugly, you look like dem rasta" at which point DD1 chirped in to try and save the day "nanny that is not very nice, mummy looks pretty" to which my mother replies "well I dont like it, it looks horrible!"
So after some cuffling with my frock I tried to fight back the tears but gave in when Mr Mac asked me what was wrong. My dad got involved and I broke down right there in the house. It turned into a big family debate about my mother hating dreadlocks (two of my brothers were rastafarian and she disowned them) and how she will never comment on my hair again. I dried my tears and we went to the car and I just broke down.
Needless to say my night was ruined, my self esteem is in tatters and I just feel, wel...ugly. I tried so hard to look nice for myself and Mr Mac and the evening was planned 4 weeks ahead. Mr Mac says maybe if they were longer she would be more accepting and I have thought about extending them, I have thought about maybe just being natural. I dunno, just blah! I know I shouldn't take on board what my mum sais, but it hurts so much. I never locked my hair to be an advocate or black educator, I just simply wanted to be me, but it seems that being "me" will cause major problems in my own family.
On another note, I had my hair retightened yesterday after a wash. I'm sure you'll understand my picture less post right now. Just thought I would put this post up for anyone that might stop by and read. x