27 September 2010

The ugly duckling...

I am writting this post with a very heavy heart today. I vowed to write this blog when things come up to show anyone out there who might be reading the good and bad of being/becoming a natural headed sista. The story behing this post is as follows. 

Mr Mac has been trying to get a new job for over a year and during that time filled out countless applications. A few weeks ago he got the job offer of his dreams and he arranged to take me out on a "date" to say thanks for helping with the forms, suit, interview techniques etc. so we booked the grandparents to keep DD1 and DD2 overnight on Saturday whilst I would be dined and wined. We booked a fabolous italian resturaunt which we vowed to go back to and I got my frock 3 weeks ago with acessories for the occassions. Throughout the week I had been becoming even more concious of my hair and stares but battled with the mirror to achieve a simple freestyle with headband, put on my face, earrings, necklace and frock. With Mr Mac on my arm, I felt on top of the world! So...

Off we go to drop off the kids and my mother turns to me and says "I don't like your hair, it looks horrible, it makes you look ugly, you look like dem rasta" at which point DD1 chirped in to try and save the day "nanny that is not very nice, mummy looks pretty" to which my mother replies "well I dont like it, it looks horrible!"

So after some cuffling with my frock I tried to fight back the tears but gave in when Mr Mac asked me what was wrong. My dad got involved  and I broke down right there in the house. It turned into a big family debate about my mother hating dreadlocks (two of my brothers were rastafarian and she disowned them) and how she will never comment on my hair again. I dried my tears and we went to the car and I just broke down.

Needless to say my night was ruined, my self esteem is in tatters and I just feel, wel...ugly. I tried so hard to look nice for myself and Mr Mac and the evening was planned 4 weeks ahead. Mr Mac says maybe if they were longer she would be more accepting and I have thought about extending them, I have thought about maybe just being natural. I dunno, just blah! I know I shouldn't take on board what my mum sais, but it hurts so much. I never locked my hair to be an advocate or black educator, I just simply wanted to be me, but it seems that being "me" will cause major problems in my own family.

On another note, I had my hair retightened yesterday after a wash. I'm sure you'll understand my picture less post right now. Just thought I would put this post up for anyone that might stop by and read. x


motiv8ed4trubeauty said...

WOW it hurt me to have to read this post. that is just so sad. When I started out my hair was ( and still is a year later ) short. I had a lot of stares and questions but never the opposition from my own mother that you are having. Remember this that if everyone were the same, where would be the uniqueness? Be encouraged sista, I know that had to hurt like crazy..But the payoff is well worth it... If you are looking in to loc extensions(which I know a lot of sisterlock sistas are against, I am not though) go to ask.com and research it...Only do what makes you happy and noone else..

Mrs Mac's Corner... said...

Thank you for your words of encouragement motiv8ted, i knew this would be a journey and there might be some negativity but it does indeed hurt very much. The same day as my post I had to contend with a person I work with comment how they prefered my hair the "other way, and that it looks better how it was before". I know i shouldn't listern to other people but taking the leap of faith knowing my hair would be short and different was a big step for me. It just goes to show that prejudice is not only outside, but also within our own families. It runs deep.

motiv8ed4trubeauty said...

You are going to get a lot of that especially at work. When I came back off my vacation after getting my locs a co-worker asked me "what made you decide to do that like that was cool." HWat is amazing to me, is that hw America and yes our own families thinks its cool for African American women to live under this shield of fakeness rather than be real...or conform to what they think is beautiful...girl you hair is gorgeous, they will mature and look even more beautiful with age. (sorry i am ranting I just hate seeing anyone go through so much opposition and nonesense) smh =)

Nai said...

Hey Mrs Mac
Having pondered and digested your account, I find it difficult to really address what is going on here, because ... well it is a blog! :))
I wonder if YOU like your locs?? Hair or no hair, Do you think YOU are beautiful? Fundamentally, you will HAVE to love this process to get thru, because as black women trying to recapture our natural selves, we may be oppressed on all sides. You will need to be loving YOU enough to go thru this regardless of the opinions of others. Thank God for Mr Mac and his love and support!!! But it is all up to you. I had all of that rubbish, however If I followed people and their opinion I would be BALD (and mad kmt)!!! Can you get into a state of singleminded determination and one year from now reap the rewards of a beautiful healthy head of hair?
Try post some pics, your process can encourage others at your stage, you would be surprised ;))
Keep your head up x ;))

Bajan Lily said...

I've been a bit withdrawn lately - dealing with my own issues but I read this and felt for you. Are you feeling stronger now?

Nai is right - if you can stick with it - in a year people will be admiring what at first they did not understand/like... but only you will know if it's worth the aggro - cos you're the one living in your shoes.

*hug* you are beautiful.

Mrs Mac's Corner... said...

Just wanted to say a "thank you" to everyone that left comments about my experiences, your comments have been food for thought, although I guess an element of this is self love that still does not take away from the hurful comments of others especially family. I do not expect that everyone will understand as what one person can brush off is esaier than what others can. But again, thank you all and I am determined to carry on despite what others think. God Bless x